Life exists in shades of grey. I have already made my point about this in my previous post. But I’d like to emphasize on it again. The past 12 months have been one of the most life changing 12 months of my life, probably. I underwent a major transformation physically and mentally.
I have made new friends, and lost old ones. I lost a very valuable relationship. A very long one indeed. I found pride in myself about the things I am capable of doing, and I was ashamed of myself for some of the things I did. I broke my hand, literally, and mended my heart. I failed to cry, but I always laughed.
I am guessing most of you might have been through what I have been. More or less. We all have insecurities; about our work, about our life, about our body, about our thinking, and much more.
Coming to my work, there is never a day when I look back and think to myself that I shouldn’t have become a professional photographer, and started my company, “Digital Stories” with my friend and partner in crime, Kaka. I think it is one of the best decisions I have made in my life. A life transforming decision, for better or worse. But still, no matter how good a photograher I am, I still have some insecurities, especially about my future. How is it going to change? Is it going to become better? Is it going to become worse? I have no clue. But obviously the aim would be to strive harder to become better. But still I can’t help but worry sometimes! I got to do something about it.
My personal life, well, it hasn’t exactly been how I want it to be. Well when is life like that. If everything is going right, it means it is wrong. Only when something goes wrong, it is right. Am I right? :P. Well, this pessimistic attitude, or I would like to call it realistic attitude is what, that has kept me going, and will keep me going. But I have my insecurities about this too. Since my last relationship, I have become more apprehensive about being in a relationship. It kind of messed with my brain. I fear of being judged. From a person who never cared about what people think of me to fear about being judged. Well I guess moved back in time. I am working hard to get back to who I was. Not completely, because I have acquired some very new characteristics which I don’t want to lose!
Talking about my body, well I have become fat! My body shape has been inconsistent, a lot! I broke my hand in the month of October last year, in a football game. Lesson in life, don’t do goal keeping without wearing proper gloves, and also learn a few tricks, like keeping your hand very strong when you are struck very hard by a 6’4 striker who is just a meter away from you!! He struck me with the ball, and he didnt kick me directly! And I broke my right wrist inevitably. Well, being a right hander, breaking my right wrist proved quite costly to me, when I couldnt take up shoots during that period! The reason why I went to that football game was because my gym had a holiday! A fucking holiday! So before this fracture I was kind of lifting weights and stuff, and that caused my metabolism to boost. I craved more food, even though I wasnt exercising. But the main culprit was coca-cola. Oh man, that drink makes you so fat! And also you don’t feel like eating anything!! Stop drinking a lot of coke, guys. It is as bad as smoking! And once my fracture healed I started going to the gym again, but it was just cardio, and I couldn’t maintain the consistency like before, so I am still fat. I put on 8 kilos! Now I have joined a regular dance routine, something that is interesting, and I get to become better at it, and plus exercise and lose weight!
But amidst all this success and failure, I kept thinking so much about my insecurities, and I let it get to me, sometimes, and the thought of death creeps in. Why do people commit suicide? Don’t they think about the loved ones they are going to leave behind, in a pit of sorrow? But, I guess that is what is best about death. You aren’t there here to answer anyone anymore. But no. Death isn’t a solution. Death is an escape. I don’t want to escape. I don’t want to run away. I want to face it. I want to solve it. And so should you.
Don’t be afraid that you aren’t going to make money.
Don’t be afraid that you aren’t going to succeed. Every failure is an opportunity to succeed.
Don’t be afraid to ask out that girl you like.
Don’t be afraid to fall in love again.
Don’t be afraid to fail in love again.
Don’t be afraid of the future.
Don’t be afraid of the present.
Don’t be afraid because of the past.
Don’t be afraid to eat.
Don’t be afraid to eat a lot.
Don’t be afraid of your insecurities, because they don’t matter.
A view to see. 